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24 years ago yesterday: Teen Wolf declaration of war

Teen Wolf

Teen Wolf

Yesterday, August 23, 1985 — a date which will live in infamy — the United States of America was suddenly and deliberately attacked by supernatural and natural forces of Hollywood via the film Teen Wolf.

The United States was at peace with that entity, and, at the solicitation of Atlantic Releasing Corporation, was still in conversation with its studio and its Director Rod Daniel (one biography in Biography Resource Center) looking toward the maintenance of peace in the land. Indeed, one hour after Wolfkill Studios air squadrons had commenced releasing werewolves (four included in Biography Resource Center: Baian, Pierre Burgot, Gilles Garnier and Michel Verdun) upon the cineplex of the American strip mall of Tulsa, Oklahoma (223 native biographical entrants), the star of the film, Michael J. Fox (four biographies), and his understudy, Jason Bateman (four biographies), delivered to our Secretary of State, George P. Schultz (seven biographies), a formal reply to a recent American message. And while this reply stated that it seemed useless to continue the existing diplomatic negotiations, it contained no threat or hint of war or of 80’s movie attack.

It will be recorded that the distance of Oklahoma from Hollywood makes it obvious that the attack was deliberately planned many days or even weeks ago. During the intervening time the studio brass has deliberately sought to deceive the United States by false statements and expressions of hope for continued peace.

The attack yesterday on the Oklahoma strip mall cineplex has caused severe damage to American movie-going and entertainment-seeking forces. I regret to tell you that very many hours of American lives have been lost. In addition, American concession stands have been reported torpedoed on the mall concourses between California and Oklahoma.

Yesterday the Hollywood studios also launched an attack against the Mission 4 Drive-In in San Antonio, Texas (303 natives recorded in Biography Resource Center).

Last night Hollywood forces attacked the Ellen Theatre in Bozeman, Montana (13 natives recorded).

Last night Hollywood forces attacked the Loews Meadow Six in Secaucus, New Jersey (two natives recorded).

Last night Hollywood forces attacked the Byrd Theatre in Richmond, Virginia (451 natives recorded).

Last night the studios attacked the Greenwich Twin Cinemas in Greenwich, Connecticut (56 natives recorded).

And this morning the studios attacked the Fulton Theatre in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania (1217 natives recorded).

Hollywood has therefore undertaken a surprise offensive extending throughout the United States. The facts of yesterday and today speak for themselves. The people of the United States have already formed their opinions and well understand the implications to the very life and safety of our nation.

As Commander-in-Chief of the entertainment security forces of the nation I have directed that all measures be taken for our defense, that always will our whole nation remember the character of the onslaught against us.

No matter how long it may take us to overcome this premeditated invasion, the American people, in their righteous might, will win through to absolute victory.

I believe that I interpret the will of the Congress and of the people when I assert that we will not only defend ourselves to the uttermost but will make it very certain that this form of treachery shall never again endanger us.

Hostilities exist. There is no blinking at the fact that our people, our territory and our interests are in grave danger of being subjected to a Teen Wolf sequel.

With confidence in our armed forces, with the unbounding determination of our people, we will gain the inevitable triumph. So help us Morgan Freeman (eight biographies).

I ask that the Congress declare that since the unprovoked and dastardly attack by Hollywood on Friday, August 23, 1985, a state of war has existed between the United States and the Military-Industrial-Entertainment Complex.

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Posted on: August 24, 2009, 1:17 pm Category: Factoids Tagged with: , , , ,

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